Running

It's snowing outside and on Tuesday the forecast high is 2 degrees. Not 20, but 2. burrr!!!

At least I got some running in there these past couple of days. I ran five miles on Saturday and three last night. I felt amazing. My legs feel like they are filled with lead now though. It is painful, I know it will pay off though.

I weighed myself today and not too shabby. I weigh 126.6 which is no different than Jan. 16. Much better then back in Nov. when I weighed 130 my heaviest yet. Weight does not bother me, what bothers me is how I look and feel which leads to using my weight as a way to let the world know how healthy or not I am. My goal is to lose the 6.6lbs by the end of February. If I weigh 120 by then I will be only seven pounds away from my goal of 113. I am 5'2" so to me that would be amazing! I am a runner, it is one of my passions but I also want to start weight lifting and building muscle because I want to be strong. This time I am serious. I want to lose the weight, I want to regain my confidence. Since it's snowing outside and I only have my glasses I did not want to run so I tried to do Yoga today. I did 28 minutes of it. It's hard! Maybe I'll be able to finish the entire workout next week. That will be my goal.

Off to eat some veggies :o) I chose carrots over M&Ms the other night. Baby steps :o)

The Unknown

I saw Duke last night and what happened? I kissed him. After listing a million and one reasons for why we shouldn't see each other again, I kissed him. After spending about half an hour in a car having a conversation that lead no where I pulled him close and ever so gently kissed him. This was after he ran his hands through my hair and sent vibrations coursing through my body. I do not want to do what I am doing. I can not allow myself to develop feelings for someone I can never be with. Someone I have to lie to my family and friends about. Someone that can not be there for me when I want him to. This is the hardest thing I have done yet involving a man. I wish I could just say no to him but I tried today and proved to myself he has got me wrapped around his finger. I never thought I would ever admit to that but I am at his demand. The worst part is he can not be there when I want him to. I need to distance myself from him somehow. I am not sure what is going to happen and to be honest I am scared.

This little one is the only man allowed to have me wrapped around his finger...I need to be able to say no to Duke.

Where did I go?

I went out tonight. Not a surprise since for the past few months I have been going out every weekend. I came home, washed my face, brushed my teeth and changed. As I was changing I was obligated to look at myself. I have a gut. My stomach was once flat and now sticks out. Excessive food and alcohol the cause, myself to blame. I am disgusted. I used to be a runner. Dedicated. I would run DAILY through wind, rain or snow. I use to be committed to being healthy and I felt great.

What did I eat today? Chinese food and hot wings. I must have had three sodas, smoked hookah and had a margarita.

Where did the girl that use to treat her body like a temple go? I lost all respect for my body leaving it gasping for air after running up a single flight of stairs. I really need to stop. I have done this before and I can do it again. I am committed to living a healthier lifestyle. I will commit to it without fear. I will not hold back. I will have a flat stomach again. I will strengthen my core, tone my legs and arms. I will not smoke or binge drink. I will cleanse my body physically and mentally. I will achieve the goals I set myself. I will learn from my mistakes this time...

New Beginning

2011!!!!

Another year is here and how did I welcome it? Exhausted. It's the first time that I truely was not excited. This has lead me down a path which lead me to question my entire being. Who am I? Where do I want to go? What is my plan for getting there? All of these questions and more. I have no idea how to even begin answering these questions. Actually, I do, I am just to ashamed to do so. Therefore this year my goal is to learn about myself and decide who I am. I no longer want to be defined by the men that I long to be with. I don't want to be defined by my job. I want to be able to articulate exactly who I am. Therefore this year I will live by the book A Year of Living Consciously by Gay Hendricks. I hope it will bring me the clarity I most desperately need.