Mi Querida Amada...

In the last few months I have left everything I grew up around. All the people I love, my family. I left the few friends I had. I feel as if I have lost so much yet gained so little.

I left Colorado excited to embark on this journey knowing I would be alone. I was so eager to learn from being promoted and running my restaurant. I never imagined that I would be sitting here six months later feeling dead.

I have lost everything that made me Karen. I cry almost daily from loneliness. I know I am to blame. I drowned myself with work when I arrived. I stopped running, reading, writing, venting, and I had no support outside of work. I allowed my work to become the only thing that I did. I started becoming extremely emotional, always on the verge of tears. I have never been so confused. I have never felt alone as I do now, friendless aside from the great people I love at work. I really thought this would be different. The only person that has kept me sane is the last person I imagined would. Duke.

I was running away from Duke when I left Colorado. Our "situation" was far from ideal. I had such a great time with him and I honestly thought it would be left at that. I never imagined he would actually visit me out here. Never in my wildest dreams did I think that first visit would turn into monthly visits. Never did I imagine I would be so in love with a man that just filed for divorce. A man that is absolutely perfect. I am astonished that any woman would let him go. I am truly lucky. He is the love of my life. All of the man that hurt me, the man who's company I enjoyed, the ones who left me, the ones who I left, the ones I never want to see and those who are dear friends, not one compares to my boyfriend. The man who I hope someday I get share the rest of my life with. He loves me although I am a wreck right now. Everyday assures me he loves me. Visits me and makes me feel like I am the most valuable person in his life. Love doesn't do justice for the feelings that he gives me. When I am with him I remember what feeling happy is like. I am sane.

That felt good. :)

Well since I am such a mess I decided I have nothing to lose. I want to figure out how I can be happy without my love. I need to be if I am going to share my life with him I want to bring a great energy, outlook and feelings into our relationship since he does that for me. Therefore I am experimenting. I need to blog. I have not made real friends here in OKC. I have great co-workers that want to help and I have my friends back home but aside from Duke I have no one to vent to. My blog will be my outlet until I move back to Colorado or open myself up to someone here.

I am going to start setting myself goals every week. I am going to write about my progress and feelings. I really want to discover the person that I lost here in this different state in which there is little to do.

In order to make this successful I feel I have five goals I need to accomplish and maintain.

1. Write in a blog everyday.
It can be my 4,000 Questions blog which I have yet to start. It can be my It's Life blog or I can write a short story. I just need to vent. I need to write here because I want to rid myself of any toxic feelings I have. I really don't want to share them with others (my love) anymore.

2. Stop snoozing my alarm.
This is huge. I have come to dread waking up each morning because of the hatred I have developed towards my life. I despise the fact that I don't do anything but work and watch TV, it's lazy and pathetic.

3. Read daily
I stopped reading when I moved here. I really want to start. It will be good for my intellectuality. I need to read.

4. Exercise at least 30mins a day
Yoga, running, swimming...anything. I need to exercise. It use to give me such a high, I need to get up and move.

5. Keep in touch with family and friends
I am the worst friend someone can have. I am a terrible cousin, daughter, sister, niece...I isolate myself and if I keep it up no one will even care if I live well or not. Actually, they wouldn't even know if I needed help, much less care.


Anyway, these are my goals and my experiment will begin. I hope I can really find happiness alone.


I want to love me.