I want to live.

Soon after my last post I had a complete break down. It got to the point where I had to leave work for a month.

My entire life has been a struggle. Like running against the wind. I feel that I have been strong through out but I began to question my strength once I found myself alone.

Therapy for me has always been staying active, busy, work, I was able to manage. My break downs were never severe. I may be depressed for a couple of days but it feels that I always got up from hitting the ground and began running again. I have been struggling. The people around me see I do not feel good, I am not happy. Therapy was redefined for me when I went back home. I left work here in Oklahoma and drove ten hours to stay with my boyfriend in Colorado, closer to my support group. I started seeing a therapist there. It was so easy to tell a complete stranger the details of my disturbed childhood. Immediately she started treating my anxiety. When I left I was so astonished because she was able to help me get rid of it. The feeling lasted quite a while. For months I was able to remain in control of my anxiety. It just recently made an appearance in my life.

Here in Oklahoma I recently looked up a therapist and attended my first session. I really want to be healthy again. I hope I can be myself again. I miss feeling happy. Having a passion for life. Loving the way I use to.

I miss being alive.