Making Dinner

Lately I have been cooking, gardening, baking, scrapbooking staying busy and I love it! Yesterday I drove to Aurora and made dinner for my friends, whom are like family to me. It was fun to do it and they loved it. I was very happy with that.
Today I will probably watch Abbey, Mark's niece. She is the prettiest little girl ever. I get nervous because she fall a lot but she is usually really good. I like watching her, I really love kids! I hope we have one of our own soon.
I am so excited to be planning our wedding, I want it to be intimate and very casual and so far all of that is coming true. I am truly looking forward to walking down the isle to Mark. I get emotional every time I think about it. I feel so lucky, I am sure he is my soul mate. I have a month left. I am not worried but I also believe I have unrealistic believes about how much time it takes to take care of things. I have the ceremony venue and rehearsal venue secured. I have to get an officiant and we have to get our marriage licence. Those are the only important things left. I might do the invitations today, all 7 of them. :P

Karen

Starting Anew

Well this weekend was very busy. I accomplished some of my goals, I was definitely a lot more active. I made a great looking pecan pie! I chilled it overnight and can not wait to have it for dinner this evening. I did not blog but I have a plan to avoid that again. I still need to work on remembering all of my goals. I need to really kick up the wedding planning. I am really procrastinating. I am the worst at this. I made my first coupon binder, I am so excited. Yay! We'll see how I do today! :o) Happy day!

Finding Happiness

Mark and I & <3 I love him!

I can now look out of my living room window and see the Rocky Mountains. The smile on my face every time I do is wide and genuine. I moved in with Duke, which I can now call by his real name, Mark. Mark and I are in love, he is everything I have ever liked in others and more. The love we have is not like the ones you see in movies, blind, we are both very similar and clear about what we want, we can read each other clearly. He makes me happier than anyone ever could, even now, when I feel desperate to find a way to push myself to succeed.

Well, I decided to leave my job and I have been jobless for about a month now. I saved up some money which could last me a bit. I have not looked for a job, I have mostly been learning new things such as gardening, coupon clipping, grocery shopping, cooking, baking. It has been fun so far. I am also trying to train for a marathon which I am questioning my ability to run since I hurt my right knee. Life is not exciting, often I become bored from not working, but I am happy.

I do often feel disappointed because I feel that a lot of the plans I use to have are no longer what I wish to do. I am at a loss and unsure of what I want to do. I feel it in my heart the only thing I would be happy doing is owning my own business. I still consider having a cafe, but truly I am scared. I have also been thinking about starting a customized crafting business. For example making scrapbooks, cards, announcements for those who are too busy or do not have the desire, but would like to forever keepsake their special moments. Just an idea which I am unsure of.

Well moving forward and constantly maintaining a level of satisfaction for me has always been a challenge. The older I become the more frustrating it is. Once again I will continue to strive to improve and do what I love consistently, blogging for example. I feel I have the support. With that said I will once again attempt very specific goals in order to reach a level of satisfaction which I am missing. Goals I set back in October of 2011.
1. Write in a blog daily

2. Stop snoozing my alarm

3. Read daily

4. Exercise at least 30 minutes a day

5. Keep in touch with family and friends

As soon as I accomplish these goals I will set new ones. Check out the blog once again periodically. Hopefully this time I will do good updating.

 

Jealousy is the grave of affection.

I really torment myself :( I don't understand why I am so upset. I felt so jealous today, so mad even. So here is the story.
Back in December when I was in Colorado Duke and I attended our company's' Christmas party. Afterwards we decided to go out. We met up with people from work at Lavish, a nearby bar. I was having a good time and then I turned and this girl, dark hair, too tight of a dress and somewhat pretty was sitting on my boyfriends lap. At the time it wasn't very important to me. I could see that Duke was not comfortable, I knew she was intoxicated and I felt confident that my love was madly in love with me. I let him know I wasn't happy but I thought I moved on. I wish it had stayed that way. I don't know why but the more I thought about it the more I became upset. I was so mad I wanted to leave the bar. I am still mad about it almost two months later. Probably because this woman sees Duke and texts him. How often, I do not know. I have not asked and I feel I shouldn't. I'm really upset though and I do not understand why. That night we went back to the hotel, I was mad at him. I really don't like the bitch! Can't try to make it sound nice anymore, it was disrespectful, I don't understand why he didn't ask her to get off him and I felt hurt. There I said it! I hate the Bitch.
This doesn't feel like me. I know Duke loves me so why am I so insecure. I just hope I don't ruin our relationship, feels like I'm trying to sabotage this.

I want to live.

Soon after my last post I had a complete break down. It got to the point where I had to leave work for a month.

My entire life has been a struggle. Like running against the wind. I feel that I have been strong through out but I began to question my strength once I found myself alone.

Therapy for me has always been staying active, busy, work, I was able to manage. My break downs were never severe. I may be depressed for a couple of days but it feels that I always got up from hitting the ground and began running again. I have been struggling. The people around me see I do not feel good, I am not happy. Therapy was redefined for me when I went back home. I left work here in Oklahoma and drove ten hours to stay with my boyfriend in Colorado, closer to my support group. I started seeing a therapist there. It was so easy to tell a complete stranger the details of my disturbed childhood. Immediately she started treating my anxiety. When I left I was so astonished because she was able to help me get rid of it. The feeling lasted quite a while. For months I was able to remain in control of my anxiety. It just recently made an appearance in my life.

Here in Oklahoma I recently looked up a therapist and attended my first session. I really want to be healthy again. I hope I can be myself again. I miss feeling happy. Having a passion for life. Loving the way I use to.

I miss being alive.