Mi Querida Amada...

In the last few months I have left everything I grew up around. All the people I love, my family. I left the few friends I had. I feel as if I have lost so much yet gained so little.

I left Colorado excited to embark on this journey knowing I would be alone. I was so eager to learn from being promoted and running my restaurant. I never imagined that I would be sitting here six months later feeling dead.

I have lost everything that made me Karen. I cry almost daily from loneliness. I know I am to blame. I drowned myself with work when I arrived. I stopped running, reading, writing, venting, and I had no support outside of work. I allowed my work to become the only thing that I did. I started becoming extremely emotional, always on the verge of tears. I have never been so confused. I have never felt alone as I do now, friendless aside from the great people I love at work. I really thought this would be different. The only person that has kept me sane is the last person I imagined would. Duke.

I was running away from Duke when I left Colorado. Our "situation" was far from ideal. I had such a great time with him and I honestly thought it would be left at that. I never imagined he would actually visit me out here. Never in my wildest dreams did I think that first visit would turn into monthly visits. Never did I imagine I would be so in love with a man that just filed for divorce. A man that is absolutely perfect. I am astonished that any woman would let him go. I am truly lucky. He is the love of my life. All of the man that hurt me, the man who's company I enjoyed, the ones who left me, the ones who I left, the ones I never want to see and those who are dear friends, not one compares to my boyfriend. The man who I hope someday I get share the rest of my life with. He loves me although I am a wreck right now. Everyday assures me he loves me. Visits me and makes me feel like I am the most valuable person in his life. Love doesn't do justice for the feelings that he gives me. When I am with him I remember what feeling happy is like. I am sane.

That felt good. :)

Well since I am such a mess I decided I have nothing to lose. I want to figure out how I can be happy without my love. I need to be if I am going to share my life with him I want to bring a great energy, outlook and feelings into our relationship since he does that for me. Therefore I am experimenting. I need to blog. I have not made real friends here in OKC. I have great co-workers that want to help and I have my friends back home but aside from Duke I have no one to vent to. My blog will be my outlet until I move back to Colorado or open myself up to someone here.

I am going to start setting myself goals every week. I am going to write about my progress and feelings. I really want to discover the person that I lost here in this different state in which there is little to do.

In order to make this successful I feel I have five goals I need to accomplish and maintain.

1. Write in a blog everyday.
It can be my 4,000 Questions blog which I have yet to start. It can be my It's Life blog or I can write a short story. I just need to vent. I need to write here because I want to rid myself of any toxic feelings I have. I really don't want to share them with others (my love) anymore.

2. Stop snoozing my alarm.
This is huge. I have come to dread waking up each morning because of the hatred I have developed towards my life. I despise the fact that I don't do anything but work and watch TV, it's lazy and pathetic.

3. Read daily
I stopped reading when I moved here. I really want to start. It will be good for my intellectuality. I need to read.

4. Exercise at least 30mins a day
Yoga, running, swimming...anything. I need to exercise. It use to give me such a high, I need to get up and move.

5. Keep in touch with family and friends
I am the worst friend someone can have. I am a terrible cousin, daughter, sister, niece...I isolate myself and if I keep it up no one will even care if I live well or not. Actually, they wouldn't even know if I needed help, much less care.


Anyway, these are my goals and my experiment will begin. I hope I can really find happiness alone.


I want to love me.

Falling apart

I moved to Oklahoma about six months ago. I honestly thought leaving Colorado I would be able to start anew and develop a stonger feeling of independence. Instead I just feel alone. I fell madly in love with Duke, he loves me. I plan on spending the rest of my life with him. He is amazing, perfect for me. I despise that he is far away. I miss him everyday, I can not wait until I can wake up next to him and kiss him.

I am NOT a whore...

...but I like to do it.

I went out last night, had such a blast. Xio and I went over to the Gin Mill, I love hot men and there were plenty. We had a beer there and decided to walk over to Coyote Ugly to check it out. It was such a bust. We were drinking our rum and coke when a really country boy from Nebraska came up to us. He bought us a Jack bomb? It was delicious and he was kind of cute, he gave me his number. After deciding we hated Coyote Ugly we decided to walk back to Maloney's, our favorite bar. I had a double of rum and coke and was feeling super sexy. We walked around and this cutie walked by. I, being me, winked at him. He winked back, I was ready to go and talk to him but Xio and I ended up running into an old friends brother. He is cute, a veteran, fit and he bought me another double rum and coke. We talked and he seemed interested so we exchanged phone numbers. We went to a 24hr cafe and had some food. It was such a fun night. Xio and I came home and I woke up this morning feeling like crap. Came up got some vitamin c and b-complex and now I feel great

Running

It's snowing outside and on Tuesday the forecast high is 2 degrees. Not 20, but 2. burrr!!!

At least I got some running in there these past couple of days. I ran five miles on Saturday and three last night. I felt amazing. My legs feel like they are filled with lead now though. It is painful, I know it will pay off though.

I weighed myself today and not too shabby. I weigh 126.6 which is no different than Jan. 16. Much better then back in Nov. when I weighed 130 my heaviest yet. Weight does not bother me, what bothers me is how I look and feel which leads to using my weight as a way to let the world know how healthy or not I am. My goal is to lose the 6.6lbs by the end of February. If I weigh 120 by then I will be only seven pounds away from my goal of 113. I am 5'2" so to me that would be amazing! I am a runner, it is one of my passions but I also want to start weight lifting and building muscle because I want to be strong. This time I am serious. I want to lose the weight, I want to regain my confidence. Since it's snowing outside and I only have my glasses I did not want to run so I tried to do Yoga today. I did 28 minutes of it. It's hard! Maybe I'll be able to finish the entire workout next week. That will be my goal.

Off to eat some veggies :o) I chose carrots over M&Ms the other night. Baby steps :o)

The Unknown

I saw Duke last night and what happened? I kissed him. After listing a million and one reasons for why we shouldn't see each other again, I kissed him. After spending about half an hour in a car having a conversation that lead no where I pulled him close and ever so gently kissed him. This was after he ran his hands through my hair and sent vibrations coursing through my body. I do not want to do what I am doing. I can not allow myself to develop feelings for someone I can never be with. Someone I have to lie to my family and friends about. Someone that can not be there for me when I want him to. This is the hardest thing I have done yet involving a man. I wish I could just say no to him but I tried today and proved to myself he has got me wrapped around his finger. I never thought I would ever admit to that but I am at his demand. The worst part is he can not be there when I want him to. I need to distance myself from him somehow. I am not sure what is going to happen and to be honest I am scared.

This little one is the only man allowed to have me wrapped around his finger...I need to be able to say no to Duke.

Where did I go?

I went out tonight. Not a surprise since for the past few months I have been going out every weekend. I came home, washed my face, brushed my teeth and changed. As I was changing I was obligated to look at myself. I have a gut. My stomach was once flat and now sticks out. Excessive food and alcohol the cause, myself to blame. I am disgusted. I used to be a runner. Dedicated. I would run DAILY through wind, rain or snow. I use to be committed to being healthy and I felt great.

What did I eat today? Chinese food and hot wings. I must have had three sodas, smoked hookah and had a margarita.

Where did the girl that use to treat her body like a temple go? I lost all respect for my body leaving it gasping for air after running up a single flight of stairs. I really need to stop. I have done this before and I can do it again. I am committed to living a healthier lifestyle. I will commit to it without fear. I will not hold back. I will have a flat stomach again. I will strengthen my core, tone my legs and arms. I will not smoke or binge drink. I will cleanse my body physically and mentally. I will achieve the goals I set myself. I will learn from my mistakes this time...

New Beginning

2011!!!!

Another year is here and how did I welcome it? Exhausted. It's the first time that I truely was not excited. This has lead me down a path which lead me to question my entire being. Who am I? Where do I want to go? What is my plan for getting there? All of these questions and more. I have no idea how to even begin answering these questions. Actually, I do, I am just to ashamed to do so. Therefore this year my goal is to learn about myself and decide who I am. I no longer want to be defined by the men that I long to be with. I don't want to be defined by my job. I want to be able to articulate exactly who I am. Therefore this year I will live by the book A Year of Living Consciously by Gay Hendricks. I hope it will bring me the clarity I most desperately need.